Uncle Ianto and Aunty Jack
by Whole Lotta Sarah Tribbiani
Summary: Gwen and Owen are married with a baby. But Bob's been driving them insane recently and they need time to themselves ... just a bit of fun Torchwood humour. Rating possibly for further chapters. Please R&R.
1. The Trouble With Bob

Uncle Ianto and Aunty Jack

Based on an insane idea Faramirlover and I came up with playing squash ... that explains why it's so insane, as I just said. Enjoy! Set nowhere in particular (it's hard to judge), as there are certain people who are together and you know how complicated the relationships are on Torchwood ... The pairings are Gwen/Owen and Jack/Ianto.

(The strange thing about this story is I don't like Torchwood. Oh well!)

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Torchwood or any of its characters. I do, however, own baby Bob.

* * *

Gwen yawned widely and stretched, sliding out of her and Owen's bed. She checked the clock on the bedside table - it was half two in the morning. Just quarter of an hour since she'd seen to Bob. 

"Owen?"she whispered, "Owen, are you awake?"

There was no reply. Apart from a deep, grunting snore.

Gwen sighed, rubbing her eyes. When she'd married Owen, and when she'd had his baby, he'd agreed to help her out. After all, he loved her.

So far, he'd tried to change baby Bob's nappy once, and ended up with his face covered in -

"Waaaaaaaaah!"

Oops. Bob'd be waking the city if she didn't shut him up.

Gwen stood up and made her way over to her tiny son's cot. His eyes were shut and his mouth wide open, screaming for something she'd probably never know. He was a beautiful baby, apart from when he was keeping Gwen from a decent night's sleep. She picked him up and rocked him gently, singing tunelessly in the best voice she could muster when she was only partially awake.

Bob cried and cried ...

* * *

"Morning," Owen yawned, getting up out of his bed. He looked over at Gwen's side - it was Gwenless. 

"Gwen?"

Where could she have gone? She usually made such a fuss getting up he was pretty much awake too by the time she was out of bed.

He yawned again, rubbed his eyes, and noticed a young woman with dark hair slumped against Bob's cot, asleep, with a squirming, whimpering Bob in her arms.

"Gwen, wake up," Owen said gently, taking Bob off her and placing him on the floor. He'd be fine there for a minute.

Gwen's eyes flickered open, and she murmered something impossible to hear as she slowly woke up.

"Where's the baby?" she muttered.

"He's on the floor."

"WHAT?" Gwen was wide awake as she quickly found Bob and scooped him up into her arms, "Owen, you idiot! Now I know why I'm the one who does everything for him!"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. You deserve a break, really."

"Too right I do! Does this mean you're going to help out more?"

Bob made a sweet little noise, which unfortunately meant his nappy was about to get a bit wetter.

"No, I was thinking more of dumping him on Jack for a bit or something?"

Gwen sighed, but only half angrily.

"You know, that's not such a bad idea. For an afternoon, anyway ... we could do with some quality time together which doesn't involve someone having to shut up a howling baby. When was the last time we did something ... wasn't it when I was pregnant?"

"No, the other day we went for a walk in the park and Bob was asleep all the way through!" Owen reminded her.

"If you recall, I said 'which doesn't involve someone having to shut up a howling baby'!"

"Oh, yeah ..."

Owen shuddered at the memory of the slimy pond weed and frogs all over him.

"Erm Anyway, I'm sure Jack'll love to take Bobby for a bit. He's not doing much today, is he? Unless of course there's an emergency - which I'm sure there won't be."

"Yeah ... actually I think he's spending the day with Ianto."

"Oh, well ... they'll have fun bonding with Bob. And who knows, maybe he'll help them to bond with each other ..." Gwen stroked Bob's fluffy wisps of hair, "He's certianly helped us, hasn't he?"

"If you say so." Owen stood up, "Now, I'm going for a shower."

"Do you want me to call him, then?" Gwen called after her husband.

Owen turned slowly, a stupid grin on his face.

"Not just a pretty face, are you?" he joked, "Come on, Gwen, I was _kidding.._."

He set off again for his shower. Gwen watched him leave, thinking. For a joke, it hadn't been that bad. Soothing Bob as he started whimpering, she stood up and picked up her mobile.

* * *

A short scene-setter, more ASAP. Which tends to be a long time these days. Well, please say what you thought, as it was my first Torchwood fic! 


	2. Minesweeper Champion

Uncle Ianto and Aunty Jack

I'm really going to get into this and NOT leave it half-finished, then sort of forget about it. Not sure what's going to happen in this chapter, so I'll shut up.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Torchwood. Never have, never will. Same goes for Minesweeper.

* * *

Jack was playing Minesweeper on one of the computers in the Hub. 

"Come, on, come on," he muttered, carefully choosing a little square to click on, "YES! NO BOMBS!" He looked again, his eyes narrowed, "Careful, careful, caaarefuuul ..."

"Sir," a man's voice cut through the tense silence, making Jack lose his concentration and click on a mine.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed, bursting into tears and collapsing onto the floor, "I was only 5 seconds off my best time!"

"Oh - sorry sir, I didn't realise you were busy."

"My morning's work down the drain," Jack moaned into his hands, "What a waste."

"I'm so sorry," Ianto said, unsure of whether or not Jack was being serious.

"It's OK, I - I'll get over it." Jack sniffed dramatically and stood up, wiping his eyes.

"Anyway, erm - I think someone's left a message on your phone," Ianto said warily, handing Jack his mobile.

"Oh. Right. Yeah, erm - " Jack cleared his throat, composed himself and dialled the answerphone to listen to his message.

"It's from Gwen," he said a minute later, "She wants me to look after her and Owen's baby this afternoon."

"Isn't he a sweetheart?" Ianto cooed, "I remember when he tried to suck your nose!"

"Yeah, that was the reason we haven't seen him since he was born," Jack grumbled, suddenly very irritated, "Do you also remember him throwing up down my coat?"

"I cleaned it for you! You still can't be holding a grudge against a baby?"

"No," Jack lied through his teeth.

"So, I take it we can look after Bob, then?"

"What? No!" Jack was outraged, "The Hub is not a playground! Take your eyes off one of those things for a second -"

"They're called babies, sir - "

"Babies, whatever, and they're gone! Just like that! I don't want baby mess all over anywhere ..."

"I'll keep an eye on it at all times, I promise! Oh, please, it's not like we're doing anything!"

"Well, what if - what if - what if there's an emergency?"

"There won't be!" Ianto laughed, and before Jack could do anything to stop him, he took out his phone and dialled the nimber of Owen's flat.

Jack watched him, silently. He knew when he was beaten. Which wasn't easy for him, as he usually won.

"Yes .. hi, Gwen," Ianto laughed, "Yes, it's me ... oh right, mmmm ... yes, we'll be happy to look after Bob for a bit."

Jack buried his face in his hands.

* * *

From now on, the chapters will get longer. These two weren't really actiony enough to write loads about. Please review! 


	3. Bye Bye Baby Bob

Uncle Ianto and Aunty Jack

Dedicated to Faramirlover who, unlike most of my friends, didn't leave me all alone. And also the only one of my friends who really really likes TW.

**Disclaimer: **I own the plot and Bob. Nothing else.

* * *

"You didn't?" Owen gasped, staring at Gwen with his big mouth wide open. 

"It was a good idea! And they're happy to take care of him!" Gwen protested, "Now, can we please talk about this later ... ?"

She turned away from Owen uncomfortably.

"Well, you shouldn't've approached me before I got dressed then, should you?"

He was still dripping wet from his shower.

"Sorry, I suppose ... "

Gwen left the bathroom to get dressed. Bob was asleep again.

"You're such a little cutie, aren't you?" she whispered gently. Bob's breathing was cute and made Gwen want to wake him up so she could hug him. But she wasn't that stupid.

Just as she was pulling on socks, Owen came through the door in jeans.

"You were joking, weren't you?" he said.

"No! For heavens' sake, Owen, Bob's going to the base with Ianto and Jack! It's just for the afternoon, I'm dropping him off after lunch," Gwen stood up, "So, what d'you want to do?"

"You mean we're leaving him there with Janet, and all that top-secret high-tech secret technology? Gwen Harper, you are one stupid woman!"

"Really? Someone told me I 'wasn't that stupid' a few minutes ago ... hmmm ..." Gwen decided not to dwell on the voices she heard in her head, "It'll be fine, Ianto would never have agreed to anything if he thought it wouldn't be safe!"

"Well..." Owen had to agree, but he wouldn't admit it outright. He sort of avoided Gwen's eyes and left the room.

Gwen sighed sadly, looking down at Bob. She was happy with this life now - working at Torchwood, having a husband who understood her work and, even better, who she could actually talk to about it. But she still missed Rhys. In fact, she thought about him every day, at some point or other. It wasn't his fault they'd grown apart. It wasn't hers. It was Torchwood's.

Thinking about this often made her feel low, so she cleared her throat loudly and decided she was going to have toast for breakfast.

Owen was in the kitchen when she arrived, spreading butter on two slices of toast.

"So he's going, then?" Gwen called, picking up the bread her husband had left on the side.

"S'pose," Owen mumbled, "Now you've sorted it all out."

"Good, I'm glad you've finally agreed with me."

"What are we going to do then? I mean, if we're sending our baby to his death we may as well make a day out of it, eh?"

"Stop being so moody, he'll be fine!" Gwen popped her bread in the toaster, "I was thinking before, though, and I had an idea for something we haven't really done for a long time ... "

* * *

"Hey, Gwen," Jack forced a smile, "Owen - and look at little baby, erm - what's his name!" 

"Bob," Gwen smiled genuinely, "He's growing fast, isn't he?"

"Aaaaaw, yes!" Ianto held out his little finger for Bob's hand to grip, "OW! Aw, how cute! Bob doesn't know his own strength!"

He wrenched his finger away from Bob and shook it hard, trying, but failing, to relieve the terrible pain.

"So, what's this in aid of?" Jack asked, "Why are you dumping your baby on us, you irresponsible parents?"

He laughed, although he hadn't really been joking. No one else guessed this, luckily.

"Well - we thought we needed a break, really," Gwen explained, "We're going to play squash in a minute, I haven't played since before I had Bob ... should be a laugh!"

"I'll be the one laughing when I beat you!" Owen interrupted.

"You wish!" Gwen handed Bob over to Ianto, "Here you go. All he need's in here -" She forced a huge bag on Jack, "Any problems, I've got my mobile with me, but he should be all right. He'll probably need changing, you know how to do that, don't you?"

"Yes! I do! I do! Me! Ianto!" Ianto squealed.

Everyone, including Bob, stared at him strangely.

"I mean, yes, I'll manage."

"Yes ... so, I'll see you soon then, sweetheart!" Gwen kissed Bob on the forehead. He whimpered, guessing his mother was about to leave him.

"Oh, don't cry!" Owen said gently, taking his son from Ianto for a very rare hug, "It's OK, we won't be long."

Bob wailed.

"Here you go," Owen shoved his son back into Ianto's arms, and pulled Gwen away.

* * *

Now you can see how we came up with this playing squash. 

Also, I was wondering what they did with Bob when they were working, and Gwen keeps him with her at all times at work. In my story, that is, not in real life. And Owen is fine with that because he trusts Gwen. Just in case you were wondering, too.


	4. Disaster 1 Strikes!

Uncle Ianto and Aunty Jack

I just remembered about this story a bit ago. I was writing it for Faramirlover mainly and I forgot it even existed. Sorry if you were reading it and it got interrupted by me being stupid.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Torchwood. I own the plot of this fic but that's it.

* * *

"So ... what do we do with a screaming little baby?" Jack asked, folding his arms in indignation and glaring down at Bob. 

"He's not screaming," Ianto corrected him, "He's laughing."

Bob, indeed, was giggling happily, trying to catch a little bit of Ianto's hair that had flopped out of place.

"What's he doing?" Jack pointed at Bob's chubby little fingers.

"Aaaaw, he's trying to play with my hair - OH NO A TINY STRAND OF MY HAIR IS OUT OF PLACE!" Ianto roared, throwing Bob in the air in shock. He flew, almost right to the ceiling, all the while laughing. Then he started to sink - and, as he wasn't the stupidest baby in the world, he figured out he'd be Baby Jam (made by the same company who produce Rat Jam) if he hit the floor. As a consequence, he started to shriek.

"No! Get the baby!" Ianto cried.

"No! Don't! We'll blame it on a freak storm! Or something!" Jack said gleefully.

Ianto reached out to grab Bob, but suddenly -

WHOOOOOSH!

A blur whoooooshed past and caught Bob in its blurry arms. It blurred away.

"Wow! What was that mysterious blur?" Ianto scratched his head, making more hair stick up. He didn't care, if he noticed at all.

"I don't know - but whatever it was, it's got Bob and might possibly eat him!" Jack gave a little jump, "Whoohoo!"

"Don't be so mean!" Ianto sulked, "Gwen'd kill us if we got Bob killed."

"Well, it's her fault she left him here while she and Owen went off to ... what did they call it? Play 'squash'?" He snorted, "Yeah. Right. What a pathetic excuse for an excuse."

"Leave them alone, you won't understand until you have your own kids." Ianto decided to get down to looking for Bob.

"Captain Jack Harkness has no use for kids!" Jack said dramatically, striking a pose, then realising Ianto had his head buried in a cupboard, and was cooing Bob's name.

"Booooooooob," he cooed.

"That sounds reasonable, like you're searching for Bob, but I bet it looks strange written down."

"I don't care. Make yourself useful and go and look somewhere else."

Jack groaned and stood exactly where he was.

"Waaaaaaaaaaa!" a loud, but quietened down over a long distance, crying noise filled the room.

"_Waaaaaaaaaaa_!" Jack mocked.

"Sh! Did you hear that?" Ianto whispered.

"Well, obviously, or how could I have made fun of it?"

Ianto ignored the stupid man and set off in the direction of the sound. Jack, giving up, followed.

The cries were definitely from Bob, and they were growing louder as they neared the cells.

"Hang on - we're nearing the cells!" Ianto stopped, "Janet's in there!"

"Hmm ... could Janet have caught Bob? I'm not sure if Weevils can run at lightning speeds .. I'll have to look into that ..."

"Who cares?" Ianto yelled, "If Janet did catch Bob, what is she doing to him now?"

"Killing him in the worst possible way, perhaps ..." Jack said hopefully.

"Jack, that sounded hopeful! You awful person."

"If I'm such an awful person, then why did you agree to -"

"Not now, Sir, we need to go and find Bob..." Ianto rushed off.

Jack was about to follow him. He started running, suddenly froze in mid-air, and fell.

When was the last time Ianto had called him 'sir'?

Hang on - why was that weird? He always called him that. But he hadn't for ages...

'Shows how much attention I pay,' he thought to himself, setting off to find Ianto.

* * *

What has happened to Bob...? Will he be killed by Janet? Find out - well, when I get round to writing it! 


End file.
